OPEN LETTER TO FRESHERS

OPEN LETTER TO FRESHERS

I have been meditating, dreaming, thinking, fantasizing and almost hallucinating and memorizing this piece; that’s why my pal keep saying writing is for twisted people. My greatest fantasy after finishing my 3.1 exams today at 12noon was to sit on my plastic chair and type this. Apologies for being away for quite some time, got held up by exams but now am done. Talking of exams, it is my desire to dedicate this article to freshers, you know, those joining institutions of higher learning.

First things first, receive my belated congratulations for making it to higher institutions, your grade must have talked volumes. However, some of you will realize that `mlisoma mje campus’ (you studied to join campus) while a bunch of you will live by `tulikuja campus kusoma’ (we came to campus to study). Not figured out what that means? Relax, that’s why you are a fresh man.

It is still clear in my thoughts the piece of expensive advice my roommate and I received from my parents. My dad uttered that in campus, one can either graduate with a kid, HIV, or a degree, while my mum added that we shouldn’t let people in to our room, especially men. Well, I will throw this to you too but that part of not letting men to your room for ladies is a debatable issue.

Unlike high school where you had school mums and dads, around this place it’s you, yourself and you, you are the master. You decide whether to eat omena or fries, whether to walk braless or sag your pants, whether to put on `Sukuma twende’ or CDF, it’s up to you. While still at freedom, it could be possible that some of you are Virgin Marys’ and virgin……… (I have no idea of a man who was equal to Mary in this sector). For those who belong to class V, truth be told, chances of you moving to class A (active) soon are very high, that’s how you know you landed in a higher institution. The best counsel I would hand over to you though is that you ought to use protection. Thank God there are dispensers full of sure everywhere, otherwise, a pack of condom is tax exempt thus not expensive. USE PROTECTION, I wouldn’t insist on this enough.

Ladies, there is a project conducted by continuing students referred to as `ponyoka na fresha’( disappear with a fresher). They will thus be on the ground, full of determination to use you as the experiment tool, and if you give in, you may possibly be the research findings. Lies will be used, in efforts of ensuring that you enter the box. Here is one angle he may use on you.

It’s raining and Martin and Mary are walking on the highway. Martin happens to have a ready shelter.

Martin: hey, you may share the umbrella with me. Your hair is too lovely to be rained on. (He had not realized she is shaven Jordan).

Mary: thanks, I wouldn’t mind.

Martin: Clint is my name, you?

Mary: Mary Wafula, nickname ni mosmos.

Martin: (laughs, as the reply puts across she belongs to class F). Great name, who knows may be your third name will be Clint soon.

The conversation goes on and on, the confused class F lady later realizes that they had passed her hostel, and by the way, they are hostels not dormitories. On realization, she alerts the guy who suggest that they have coffee at his place. The coffee turns into a movie session and before they are done, its 2am. They lady wants to go to her place but the man pretends concerned asking, `wee hujaskia watu humadwa usiku huku?’(Have you not heard that guys are slaughtered at night? She buys that and asks if there is an extra bed leading the man to sacrifice sleeping on the floor. Moved by pity, the lady suggests they may share the bed and the rest is historic in nature.

On that note, you need to take it lightly when you gather that men outnumber ladies in ladies’ hostels and vice versa; it’s called the power of sleep overs, cohabiting and exiles. Exile by the road is when your roommate texts you something like `roomie, I have some private doings tonight, would you mind excusing me?’ if I may decode the text, it’s being told to vacate the room in a nice way.

Enough said, but just before I conclude, (I learnt this phrase from our pastor), you will get to know of the quench zone. This is where ladies and men fill the attendance in equal proportions, where the `chips funga’ mechanism is at the peak. May be drinking and sexual hormones correlate, this is just a non-directional alternative hypothesis, but those who will join the drinking club will give us the findings. Drink responsibly though if you must, and take care.

Just before I conclude, welcome to higher institutions, where life lessons are experienced first-hand.

FROM A LOVING CONTINUING STUDENT,

THE UNIQUE MUMBI.

Writing to experience life twice, in the moment and in retrospect. I just did it.

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