MARTIN STINGY

 

Every day we have encounters. A sexy lady with curves in the right places dressed in garments that reveal some skin will pass by a group of men idlers who want to not only think with their many (2) heads but also to talk to her. (No worries this is the longest sentence)

Idler 1: Sasa sexy? (Pauses) kamrembo?

(Kamrembo does not respond)

Idler 2: Supu, unanyamaza? Mambo? ×2

(Kamrembo does not respond) ×2

Idler 1: Si kamrembo, ni kauguly, haiya.

Idler 3: Salamu hazitakushikisha mimba mama nani. (The tone in which he uses to say mama is that which suggests she is a mother of 12 children).

Such are the encounters that ladies have to go through in Kenya. Most times we ignore, smile about it, and walk away. These are just certified shirkers who have a hidden talent in idle schmoozing; it’s their penniless business. We have better things to get sad about like the issue of Kenyan men wanting to wife only the ladies possessing their mothers’ characters. (Dear future husband, this is bullshit)

 

 

Last week I had an encounter in my hustles. We carried some passengers, and one happened to leave a mobile phone behind. The phone was intact in the back seat of the car. On its screen was a photo of a hot lady holding a William Lawson mzinga. This phone either belonged to that lady or the boyfriend. It would belong to the lady’s mom or dad on condition they are not Kenyan parents. Kenyan parents my guy mainly live in denial that their kids cannot be alcohol boosters; open-mindedness. After brainstorming on the course of action to take, we decided to look through the call logs, view the frequently called numbers, call and notify them of the lost phone and make arrangements for the place of collection.

 

 

On we went with the plan. Did it have a screen lock? None. In my efforts of getting to the call log, contacts came first, and the first name Alice kalewa tempted me to scan the other names. It’s okay to judge me: eyes have no curtains my guy. Tony wa soo mbili, Jaymo babi, Sumbua, Denno fisi, babe babe were among the suggesting names I managed to cram. Babe babe was the most frequently called; he picked our call and they collected the lady’s phone. She was so happy that she suggested we do lunch on her bill in some nyoma choma base of which my colleague pulled her leg, `Do they sell William Lawson? I wouldn’t mind that too. Whiskey lovers don’t leave their love and thirst for whiskey behind; they walk with it.

 

 

 

What impression do you give the people you interact with? If people were to save you based on the character that stands out in you, what do you think you would be called? Davie mapesa, Mary mutura, Martin stingy, Cate kiatu, Julius wingman, Jane lifesaver, Jeremy sweat or what?

 

 

Money is a very colossal issue in the world. It may not be everything but it is SOMETHING. Some people are very allergic to paying debts. We were looking through social media the other day and Jessica could not stop staring at a picture of a man who had posted a pic in a five star hotel in Zanzibar writing #holidays #KulaMaliYanguPolepole #God’sspeed. Jessica narrated to us how this man owed him 50k that he was to pay back 7months ago. If courtesy did not exist in Jessica’s world, she would have commented on the post with a long comment describing how the man weighs 190kgs of debts. The comment would be so convincing that the readers would think he owes her 75Billion. Impressions are very crucial. Just how do people feel when they interact with you?

 

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